It’s hard to talk about porn in a relationship because most people watch porn in private and don’t talk about it with their partners. This raises the question: Is watching porn cheating on your partner or spouse?
There are different opinions on the matter, and as a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, I want to share with you what I’ve seen after working with hundreds of couples and the surprising impact porn has in a marriage. And for those who are hurting, there are tools and strategies available in the form of podcasts, books, or therapy to talk through things.
Is Porn Cheating?
Watching porn is not cheating in every relationship, but it can be in some of them. It all depends on what the two people in the relationship have agreed on.
At its most basic, cheating is when someone does something against what they agreed to do in a relationship.
If both people say they won’t view porn, but one person does so in secret, then it absolutely feels like cheating to the other person.
Though there isn’t a physical act of betrayal by watching porn, the emotional impact of pornography can be just as significant. When there is a breach of trust, it leads to insecurity and instability in a relationship, and the one person who breaks the trust becomes a source of pain (and is also a source of comfort due to the nature of the relationship, which can be very confusing for the other person).
Of course, many couples never discuss porn when entering the relationship, which can lead to wounded feelings. They feel betrayed when one partner finds out the other is watching pornography.
Why is Watching Porn Cheating to Some People?
There are a lot of misconceptions about what it means to be monogamous: Some people think that being sexually exclusive means that porn can’t be on the table.
Other people think that watching porn is a personal, solo sexual activity that isn’t linked to cheating because it doesn’t involve other people. But, again, there isn’t a right or wrong answer here. It’s all about how each person in a relationship sees it and what they agree to do next.
Most people have been told to think of porn as a comment on relationship sexual satisfaction with a partner. Unfortunately, this misconception makes the landscape of desire dangerous, and it can be even more dangerous to a relationship than porn viewing itself because it makes the relationship less stable.
If your partner is watching porn, the best thing to do is have an honest conversation about how it impacts you. The more you can share the effect it has on you, your self esteem, and the level of trust you feel, the more they can understand how important it is to you, which can influence them to change
Does It Harm a Relationship to Watch Porn?
A few of these things could signify that your porn use is making your relationship less happy:
- You’re concealing your pornographic behavior from your partner because you believe or know they won’t approve.
- Your or your partner’s erotic energy is devoted solely to pornography, resulting in a sexless or low-sex relationship.
- You or your partner expect your sex with each other to resemble pornographic sex.
- To achieve pornographic standards, you or your partner try to “perform” during sex.
- You don’t feel free to ask for what you want in bed; you’re pressured to imitate what you see in porn.
- Porn makes you feel self conscious because you don’t feel like you look or do what the actors do and feel like you can’t compare.
How To Talk About Porn
The best way to find out if your partner’s perspective on porn is to talk about it.
This is an uncomplicated way to start a conversation:
“I was reading an article on watching pornography in relationships and realized that we’ve never truly discussed it. I don’t want to keep secrets from you to avoid emotional pain. So, I thought it would be good for us to talk about this and see how we both feel about it.”
An important aspect of the conversation will involve sharing why you watch porn or what you get from it, whether it’s a quick physical release or a way to explore your fantasies or something else, or if it’s a way to cope with negative feelings such as stress, sadness, or anxiety. It will also be essential to tell your partner that your porn use doesn’t mean you don’t like them.
Make sure you give your partner time to think if they need it, ask questions to get a sense of their feelings and make sure your partner feels safe.
There are often a lot of lies and deception surrounding a man’s pornography use, so here’s a powerful podcast episode that share exactly what to do when lies have undermined your trust.
What To Do When A Partner Watches Porn?
Is watching porn cheating to either of you? To get to know each other’s perspective, have a non-judgmental conversation about what each other thinks.
We don’t need to convince each other that we’re right. Instead, we should try to understand the feelings and needs each of us is describing. For example, explain how you feel now that your partner likes porn watching.
Have a reality check.
It hurts discovering that your partner is looking at other people sexually. If a wife feels a sense of betrayal because of their porn use, then sharing that with her husband is important so he can understand the effect his decisions are having on her and the relationship.
Be honest.
Some people can be shocked or even traumatized when they find out their partner has been porn watching. It feels like there has been a secret between you the whole time.
As a partner, how can you make sure that your partner feels comfortable telling you their most private thoughts? Why did you keep this from each other for so long? And how can they tell you can trust them to be honest and quit porn in the future?
Are both your sexual needs being met?
When you’re feeling good about the relationship, the question of porn often feels less threatening. So, it’s a great time to check in on how the two of you are feeling and what you can do to make sure you both feel super secure in the relationship.
These are all questions that can focus on when porn use comes up. Do you both feel sexy and desired, and are you still in an intimate relationship? Having conversations about your sexual intimacy can help you find a stronger connection and work through any concerns that might be happening.
Why There Is More To Understanding a Porn Habit
Even after you have honest conversations together, many can still have their own opinion based on their personal experiences with porn.
However, are these concrete answers? The answer would be there isn’t one objective answer to such a complicated question. Every couple in a monogamous relationship is different.
There are many people’s rules on the subject and boundaries in a relationship, and each one differs from their other partners ones.
Many people who use porn aren’t very open about their habits. Even if they don’t admit it, most people feel a mix of secrecy and awkwardness about it.
Porn can make some people feel like they’re cheating because of all the hurtful secrecy and hiding that goes into making it. Getting excited about sex outside of a relationship and active sex life can hurt someone else in the same way.
A few things will break up a relationship when one partner is keeping negative secrets and seeking sexual satisfaction with someone else.
Having sexual needs met outside of a committed relationship can cut right to the heart of a relationship. It’s like having a secret relationship, which undermines the nature of a committed, romantic relationship that is supposed to be built on exclusivity.
How It Feels To Live With a Porn Addict
Pornography has been shown to change a person’s sexual blueprint. It has also been shown to be addictive and potentially leads to life-changing habits.
For many people, finding out that their partner is secretly watched porn can make them feel like they’ve been cheated on. They may be angry but not hurt by some of their partners. Still, for some people, their partner’s porn might not bother them at all, even if they haven’t discussed porn with the other person. There are 5 unexpected ways that pornography affects a wife, and getting tools to help you work through them is important.
It’s important to know that research shows it is bad for relationships, no matter how you feel about your partner’s porn habit. A porn habit that your partner has is not good for you if it makes you feel insecure or distrustful.
Many women feel a deep sense of betrayal once they discover that their husband is watching porn. It makes them question everything, second guess themselves and their marriage, and it creates a lot of fear and anxiety about the future.
Some of the feelings that women experience in this situations are:
- Fear
- Inadequacy
- Self-loathing
- Worthlessness
- Rage
- Depression
- Hopelessness
So if you’re in a situation where pornography is affecting your marriage, one of the best things that you can do is to directly address the feelings you have and work through them together.
Is There a Help Available to Rebuild Trust and Overcome Addiction?
Yes! There are thousands of couples who have successfully restored their relationship and overcome the damage that watching porn has caused. The key is to get the right tools and information about how to overcome the addiction, heal the damage it’s caused, and create a strong relationship again.
One of the best resources to begin with is the Couples Healing podcast because it gives both men and women tools to overcome the impact of pornography, heal the relationship, and move forward feeling closer than ever before.
You’re not alone in this battle to save or strengthen your marriage and overcome addiction or the pain it causes. Finding hope through education and tools is the best place to begin the path of healing.
